a sweetly pink surprise

it's been a year now since i've dated the most beautiful, humble & charismatic guy i've known. sawyer has been there for me through the good times, the bad times, and the ugly times. even when i was struggling with being home early from my mission, sawyer was there to guide me through it and help me remember how to feel at home again.

my friends that i've met here during my stay in utah have been one of the best in my life. they all have taught me several different lessons, each with their own merit. having someone like nathan in my life was very important for me at the time, because without his preparing for a mission and our friendship, i'm not sure it would have been as easy for me to go back to the temple right away.
meeting sawyer & jacob through nathan was also a blessing. they have been my constant rock throughout my three years here. alondra was another sweet, sweet girl who i had the pleasure of meeting at work, and we've quickly grown that to best friend status.

speaking of work, riverton music is alive and well. and working there has also granted me so many new and lasting friendships. i'm grateful for rachel and her beautiful family, i'm so happy to have met simeon and glad to hear he is on his mission now. molly and leah are both wonderful people and we talk often. my time here has taught me all about keeping in contact with those who mean the most to you. and with those who are willing to lend their love and warmth in the form of friendship.

sawyer is a special friend. for a year after nathan left to serve in missouri, sawyer, jacob & i were pretty much the three musketeers. we did everything together. concerts, picnics, road trips, fishing, movie watching, binge eating...etc. you name it, we did it.

after a while, i started seeing sawyer in a different light. which was totally weird for me because well, i was dating a missionary at the time. and we had kept it strictly to friends, although at times, i felt like there was something small there. whenever we'd brush hands after getting up from the couch, whenever he asked if i wanted some of his fries, whenever he helped me into my car, the list goes on. every little thing we did created this spark inside me. and i grew afraid of it.

the closer it got to me deciding on serving a mission, the closer sawyer and i became as friends. jacob was still very much a part of our daily activities, but sawyer started our weekly lunch appointments at crown burger. and i very much enjoyed them. i cried to him over financial issues, over stupid stress, over my east coast family. but throughout the rough times, he was always very strong and supportive.

finally, i left home and moved into the MTC. having broken up with nathan and getting used to the lack of emails & letters from him, i started getting other mail in the MTC. after returning home, sawyer and i had stayed friends and kept our meetings very brief. when it was all three of us, sawyer was a little more relaxed and not quite as guarded. pretty soon, as in four MONTHS, he got the courage to ask me out officially. i was quite giddy that day, and it was a perfect day indeed. the sun was shining, and it was just so peaceful and warm. i remember the sun being so beautiful that day.

alright, i'm not gonna bore you with this mushy stuff. let's get down to the nitty gritty.

fast forward to february 2017. i've grown quite close with his family. in fact, i was a bridesmaid at his brother's recent wedding!

sawyer, joel, mallory, sierra
#joellory

so after a while, i felt pretty at home with everyone.

imagine my surprise when february 26th comes around.

picture this:

we go up through Millcreek Canyon, and drive all the way up until the roadblocks hit. it was still very much filled with snow, but sawyer & i were on an adventure. we got out of the car, and proceeded to sink about four inches into a deceitfully deep snow bank. unwilling to give up, we hike it down the road and i spot a bridge to our left. despite the sign that says "trail closed", we walked around it and found a cute spot where you can stand in the snow and see this gorgeous river snaking its way down the mountain.

i had sighed deeply and enjoyed the feeling of serenity as i always do when i'm nature. sawyer had put his arms around me from behind, and we were just enjoying being together. i was only half paying attention to what he was saying *sorry S!* when him using my full name brought me back to reality. i think i stopped breathing.

"sierra jorgensen, these past 13 months with you have been the happiest of my life. i would be honored if you would make me that happy for the rest of my life and for eternity. sierra jorgensen, will you marry me?"

sierra barker.

it has a nice ring to it.

a mission was not my mission

well. here we are. several months after me coming home from my mission *early*.

many of you have probably wondered why i didn't stick it out those 18 months, or why i came home, and honestly? it is not for you to worry about. i know that most of the "rumors" that went around were among the "was she not worthy?" or "she probably couldn't handle it" or my favorite, "wow that was a waste of money". seriously though, i really did hear all of those and many many more. but it isn't an issue now. my fear of facing people and facing myself are long gone. and i have felt more peace than anything before.

as you may or may not already know, i received my anticipated mission call the day AFTER New Year's. January 2nd was the best day of my life, and as soon as i had the bulging white envelope in my hands, i felt like the world was mine. literally. we had hung a map of the world in the living room, and that night, i had my close friends and family come over to my house and guess where i was going to be called. after several in-state guesses, and plenty of international areas, i opened my letter and gasped. it wasn't spanish speaking. and i don't know why, but i was shocked because well hello?

my crazy face after opening my call

it may not have been spanish that i would learn, but Tagalog isn't too far from the spanish language. that's right, i got called to the Philippines Urdaneta mission leaving February 10, 2016. my heart pounded and i realized that i had 39 days to get everything in order. that included getting my passport, all the clothes i'd need for an entire year, luggage...wow you name it, there were so many things to get! after the stress of packing everything, worrying about my mission pictures and trying to come up with a really good farewell talk, i was ready.

February 10th came and went like that. really. my grandparents along with my two best friends, sawyer and jacob, drove down to provo, utah to drop me off at the MTC. my heart pounding, i grabbed my luggage, had the host snap a quick picture of all of us, and was led through the winding buildings to my dorm.

me, sawyer, jacob (we were all open-mouthed)

sawyer, jacob, me, grandpa, grandma
at the MTC drop-off

from there, the next two weeks were a blur of waking up, praying, scripture study, eating during the scheduled time (dinner was at like 4...) and countless different classes. it was so eye-opening and totally different from the outside world. it was very centered around the gospel, but at the same time, it was like putting yourself in ice water right after being in the hot tub. as soon as you step into the MTC world, you lose all sense of outside knowledge because you're so focused on learning your language (i had to be in there for six weeks) and preparing to go out into the world and teach those about the gospel of Jesus Christ.

the problem i have with people coming home early today is whenever they decide to do it, and however they decide to do it, is ultimately up to them. i love my family, but several weeks after coming home, it was very hard to be around my grandparents and feel welcome. i felt terrible for having them be so excited in helping me prepare to leave the country, only to turn around and say "you know what? this is not what i should do."

when i went with my kasama (companion in Tagalog) to the temple for her first time through, the feeling i had received inside was so powerful and overwhelming. i could not deny that it was a confirmation for me to be okay in my decision to go home. heartbreaking as it was to leave the language and to leave my district and all the wonderful sisters and elders i had met during my stay, i knew that it was something for me to do. and i know now that i am okay with that knowledge.

there are times where i'll hear someone make a snarky comment about someone else coming home early, and honestly i don't even care why they came home. what is important is that they were honest with themselves and decided to follow the feeling inside their soul. coming home for immoral reasons can be very toxic on your spirit, and it can severely damage yourself when you have guilt and sorrow for the things you know you've done. coming home for medical reasons can be its own trial, because you have yourself as your enemy, whether it's physical or emotional.

and sometimes, you just decide that you have other plans in your life and coming home should not be a walk of shame. but the problem with that is the negative connotation of coming home. sometimes it's for good reasons, but a lot of people are so focused on looking at an early return with judging eyes and that can be a powerful poison to a missionary who's struggling to adjust back to real life. we need to be more focused on ourselves, and reach out to those who we see need guidance, love and unflinching support.

for me, i had my friends. sawyer, jacob, alondra, and several others were among the ones that really kept me grounded and sane. my east coast family was a little wary of my early return, but they were supportive and gave their love and patience to me during my struggling transition back to my old life. of course, i would have never made it past the first month of being home if it wasn't for my Savior and His never ending patience and selfless love for me.

my family was more welcoming over time, and we don't ever really talk about it now because i know it brings up sore feelings. but i'm okay with it. why? because i'm okay with myself. and i know that whatever life brings at me, that feeling of peace and serenity i felt in the temple that day will always stay with me. and i will be okay.


what follows next is a flurry of pictures that i saved during my time in the MTC. please enjoy.

sister jorgensen & sister luthy (from St. George, Utah)

my beautiful kasama, sister nebati (NAY-BAS) from Kiribati (KIR-EE-BAS)

the four of us in our dorm

the only elders in my zone

the BEST zone in the MTC 

elder boardman & sister jorgensen

part of my district

our first temple trip as sister missionaries

the newest sisters in my district

my favorite people

the ENTIRE zone - we were a pretty small zone

the first time they have ever encountered snow (Kiribati is a tropical island)

the last day these goons were here before they left the MTC

sister jorgensen & elder banta

the day i got to be my kasama's escort

the beautiful mountains in provo, utah

my last day

elder franco & elder decosta

the elders

my beautiful kasama

peep elder boardman

i also spotted stephanie nielson & we were lucky to get a shot with her gorgeous family

the lovely sister luthy

all four of my beautiful girls & the night i left home

patience is not my virtue

as many of you may - or may not - know, i've decided to serve a full time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. i know, this is a huge surprise for most of you that know me, including myself. . .

the last thing i thought i'd ever say to my grandparents would be "hey, i think i want to go on a mission". certainly wasn't on the top of my list for a long time. i remember being a little girl and telling my dad i wanted to go italy for my mission. "i hope they call me on a mission" was my absolute favorite song! for a long time growing up, a mission was in my list of things to do. and then i got older, grew up, noticed boys and that quickly changed. i've always sort of been a serial crusher, serial dater, whatever you want to call it. i was it. i had a crush on guys ever since i was in like the fifth grade haha. needless to say, a mission kind of slipped my mind. and throughout my young women years, we always talked about RM's (returned missionaries) and marriage and procreation and all that jazz. and i decided to get married instead. that was going to be my goal. and it still is, don't you worry. i'm just putting THAT on the back burner now.

having a life led by crushes is exactly what it sounds like. you have a crush on someone, and it's all beautiful and happy and great, until one day. . . they tell you they're not interested anymore. their heart doesn't beat for you like yours did for them. and it's crushing. they crush you, and they do a dang good job at it too. i can't remember a single time i had a "relationship" where it worked out, where i wasn't the one crying in my bed because another boy decided to crush my feelings. my friends who knew me through high school, heaven bless you. i don't know how you put up with me & my crazy, stupid love. i'm a hopeless romantic, but it wasn't right to string guys along and be very friendly and sometimes flirty. i guess i kind of brought it all on myself. if i had been wiser, and tended to my heart a little better, maybe even focused more on school than i already did, i think i would have been different. my "attachment" towards another heart would have been tamed, and i'm pretty sure most of the guys i had liked throughout high school would still be my friends.

but alas, that is not the case here. no happy endings with those young men. and i'm sorry about that. i too, wish i had my happy "friendings" with several guys i was close with. if you're reading this, and you've made it this far. . . you know who you are. i just want to say i'm sorry for a lot. for not treating you well, and messing around with your hearts. it wasn't fair. but i know you're hopefully doing better, and being happy. so carry on. read the rest of this. or don't. "the choice is yours" haha.

now that's out of the way. on to patience. man i thought i had that in the bag. i was totally wrong. seriously. i have learned so much being in utah. i've changed a lot. ask anyone who knew me beforehand, and then come talk to me now. you'll see changes. you'll hear them too. the way i present myself is much different. i'm more cautious about things, i'm wary about friendships. but one thing that hasn't changed is my ability to love. i love my family. i love my friends who've stood by me to this day. i love my missionary, who's patience has not faltered in Missouri. but most of all, i love my Savior. i don't even know what to say when it comes to my Heavenly Father. He has done countless, COUNTLESS things for me. and i've been blind. i have not taken advantage of my Spiritual relationship with Him. i've taken for granted the blessings He's bestowed upon me. and i know when i'm on my mission, i'll need Him more than ever. this is definitely not an easy process. preparing for a mission and getting my papers in was easy. too easy. and it was fun! but now that my mission call is expected to arrive any minute now. . . i'm scared. a mission is trying, hard, and full of rejection and trials. something i'm kind of used to, but not when it comes to my faith. and i know that i'll be tested throughout my 18 months of serving. nothing will be easy. but it will always be worth it.

as long as i focus on my mission and remember why i'm there, i know i'll be okay.