forget what people say. love isn't beautiful.
well, maybe that's a little harsh.
sometimes it can be very refreshing, exhilarating even.
but. . . love isn't always beautiful.
why would i say that? oh believe me, i have my reasons.
one: love doesn't always work the way you want it to.
yeah, yeah. i know. . .people have said that before. i even think there's some sort of mantra out there about it. but i'm here to tell you it's absolutely true. don't even think for one second, that you can force love to morph into some wonderfully handsome, kindest of kind, bravest of brave, strongest of strong, and humblest of humble young man who is a sappy romantic and cares about your feelings, and is careful to not step all over them.
i speak from the heart about all that. i mean it in the most sincerest way possible. if there is such a thing. . .
two: love hurts. like a witch.
going through a heartbreak is one of the worst pains out there. i'm sure there are more severe pains to be felt in the world, but considering my circumstances and situations throughout my life, i'd say that having your heart being "ripped" out of your chest feels pretty dang close to death. i like to think i'm not one to dwell on painful, dark thoughts. but my recent situation has me doing nothing but. and it's driving me up the frickin wall.
so why not blog about it? i haven't updated this in a while and well. . .i feel better already.
three: love makes you vulnerable.
self explanatory. do i really need to go on? you constantly over analyze the simplest situation, turning it into one of the most horrific "worst case scenarios" your mind can muster. you're always worried about fighting with your SO, because words can actually hurt. you try your best to impress them, and always be the "best you can be", but somehow you will always slip, and make a mistake. and sometimes, they don't understand that and see that as a weakness they don't want to deal with.
but the worst part? it was once said that "love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to". i couldn't agree more. when i love, i love wholeheartedly. and i trust that person with everything i have, hoping to goodness they will take care of that love i have so willingly entrusted them with.
and more often than not, i end up getting my love back in tiny pieces. and it sucks, every time. but maybe i haven't learned something important yet.
four: even though love can seriously suck, it's the only power in the world that can truly make you feel whole
okay, so i have fallen in love. and yes, i'm going through a tough break right now. but it's all for the best. i'm making sure i work on my imperfections first, before i can depend on someone else's happiness sounds like the ideal way around this. more importantly, i really need to focus on my love with my Heavenly Father. i feel like i take Him for granted at times. and that's completely unacceptable. once i figure out my relationship with Him, and make sure that i can love myself as much as i love my Father in Heaven, then maybe i can actually have a successful relationship with someone who can actually be my "knight in almost shiny armor". i don't want someone to be perfect, i just want to get along with their family. i want to enjoy simple nights with netflix and mexican food. i want to get in fights that actually mean something, and work to resolve it in a healthy way. i want to be able to go on temple dates and enjoy sunday dinners and family home evenings with the two of us.
and i know that will happen. when i decide i'm okay in my life, and Heavenly Father feels it's time for me to move on to the next step.
who i have fallen in love with is my business, i don't need to shout his name out to the world. or online. either way, it's not something that is important at the moment (considering the fact that we're not actually together right now haha). but nonetheless, he has helped me in many ways, and his family has shown me so much carefree and gentle love. i couldn't have asked for anything more, honestly. and i do miss the comfort of having my best friend around all the time, and especially with this weather. . .i miss my cuddle buddy.
shut up. i'm serious.
the main point is, it will all work out in the end. i'm so rooting for team me-and-him, but i know it's not our time to focus on each other. he needs to focus on himself, and i have those insecurities and torn scars i've got to heal. but all in due time. . .
i do feel confused about the way it had temporarily ended. and to be honest, i'm still having a hard time believing that it was for us, and not for some "hidden agenda". but i really do feel that we're doing the right thing, and hopefully it won't be worse than i presume for it to be.
so my realization is this: if you're going to love someone. hold back. but only until you feel it is the right time for you to strengthen your feelings. be careful when giving your heart to someone. if you are careless and throw it at the first person who gives you attention, you may end up in severe heartache. . .and it's never fun. believe me. just be cautious, be smart, and most importantly, love someone as if you've never loved before. because if you feel they're worth it, then by all means. . .i'm not stopping you. at all.
but i warn you to be safe with your love, it's only strong enough.