Live Life Delightfully: a mission was not my mission

well. here we are. several months after me coming home from my mission *early*.

many of you have probably wondered why i didn't stick it out those 18 months, or why i came home, and honestly? it is not for you to worry about. i know that most of the "rumors" that went around were among the "was she not worthy?" or "she probably couldn't handle it" or my favorite, "wow that was a waste of money". seriously though, i really did hear all of those and many many more. but it isn't an issue now. my fear of facing people and facing myself are long gone. and i have felt more peace than anything before.

as you may or may not already know, i received my anticipated mission call the day AFTER New Year's. January 2nd was the best day of my life, and as soon as i had the bulging white envelope in my hands, i felt like the world was mine. literally. we had hung a map of the world in the living room, and that night, i had my close friends and family come over to my house and guess where i was going to be called. after several in-state guesses, and plenty of international areas, i opened my letter and gasped. it wasn't spanish speaking. and i don't know why, but i was shocked because well hello?

my crazy face after opening my call

it may not have been spanish that i would learn, but Tagalog isn't too far from the spanish language. that's right, i got called to the Philippines Urdaneta mission leaving February 10, 2016. my heart pounded and i realized that i had 39 days to get everything in order. that included getting my passport, all the clothes i'd need for an entire year, luggage...wow you name it, there were so many things to get! after the stress of packing everything, worrying about my mission pictures and trying to come up with a really good farewell talk, i was ready.

February 10th came and went like that. really. my grandparents along with my two best friends, sawyer and jacob, drove down to provo, utah to drop me off at the MTC. my heart pounding, i grabbed my luggage, had the host snap a quick picture of all of us, and was led through the winding buildings to my dorm.

me, sawyer, jacob (we were all open-mouthed)

sawyer, jacob, me, grandpa, grandma
at the MTC drop-off

from there, the next two weeks were a blur of waking up, praying, scripture study, eating during the scheduled time (dinner was at like 4...) and countless different classes. it was so eye-opening and totally different from the outside world. it was very centered around the gospel, but at the same time, it was like putting yourself in ice water right after being in the hot tub. as soon as you step into the MTC world, you lose all sense of outside knowledge because you're so focused on learning your language (i had to be in there for six weeks) and preparing to go out into the world and teach those about the gospel of Jesus Christ.

the problem i have with people coming home early today is whenever they decide to do it, and however they decide to do it, is ultimately up to them. i love my family, but several weeks after coming home, it was very hard to be around my grandparents and feel welcome. i felt terrible for having them be so excited in helping me prepare to leave the country, only to turn around and say "you know what? this is not what i should do."

when i went with my kasama (companion in Tagalog) to the temple for her first time through, the feeling i had received inside was so powerful and overwhelming. i could not deny that it was a confirmation for me to be okay in my decision to go home. heartbreaking as it was to leave the language and to leave my district and all the wonderful sisters and elders i had met during my stay, i knew that it was something for me to do. and i know now that i am okay with that knowledge.

there are times where i'll hear someone make a snarky comment about someone else coming home early, and honestly i don't even care why they came home. what is important is that they were honest with themselves and decided to follow the feeling inside their soul. coming home for immoral reasons can be very toxic on your spirit, and it can severely damage yourself when you have guilt and sorrow for the things you know you've done. coming home for medical reasons can be its own trial, because you have yourself as your enemy, whether it's physical or emotional.

and sometimes, you just decide that you have other plans in your life and coming home should not be a walk of shame. but the problem with that is the negative connotation of coming home. sometimes it's for good reasons, but a lot of people are so focused on looking at an early return with judging eyes and that can be a powerful poison to a missionary who's struggling to adjust back to real life. we need to be more focused on ourselves, and reach out to those who we see need guidance, love and unflinching support.

for me, i had my friends. sawyer, jacob, alondra, and several others were among the ones that really kept me grounded and sane. my east coast family was a little wary of my early return, but they were supportive and gave their love and patience to me during my struggling transition back to my old life. of course, i would have never made it past the first month of being home if it wasn't for my Savior and His never ending patience and selfless love for me.

my family was more welcoming over time, and we don't ever really talk about it now because i know it brings up sore feelings. but i'm okay with it. why? because i'm okay with myself. and i know that whatever life brings at me, that feeling of peace and serenity i felt in the temple that day will always stay with me. and i will be okay.

what follows next is a flurry of pictures that i saved during my time in the MTC. please enjoy.