as many of you may - or may not - know, i've decided to serve a full time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. i know, this is a huge surprise for most of you that know me, including myself. . .
the last thing i thought i'd ever say to my grandparents would be "hey, i think i want to go on a mission". certainly wasn't on the top of my list for a long time. i remember being a little girl and telling my dad i wanted to go italy for my mission. "i hope they call me on a mission" was my absolute favorite song! for a long time growing up, a mission was in my list of things to do. and then i got older, grew up, noticed boys and that quickly changed. i've always sort of been a serial crusher, serial dater, whatever you want to call it. i was it. i had a crush on guys ever since i was in like the fifth grade haha. needless to say, a mission kind of slipped my mind. and throughout my young women years, we always talked about RM's (returned missionaries) and marriage and procreation and all that jazz. and i decided to get married instead. that was going to be my goal. and it still is, don't you worry. i'm just putting THAT on the back burner now.
having a life led by crushes is exactly what it sounds like. you have a crush on someone, and it's all beautiful and happy and great, until one day. . . they tell you they're not interested anymore. their heart doesn't beat for you like yours did for them. and it's crushing. they crush you, and they do a dang good job at it too. i can't remember a single time i had a "relationship" where it worked out, where i wasn't the one crying in my bed because another boy decided to crush my feelings. my friends who knew me through high school, heaven bless you. i don't know how you put up with me & my crazy, stupid love. i'm a hopeless romantic, but it wasn't right to string guys along and be very friendly and sometimes flirty. i guess i kind of brought it all on myself. if i had been wiser, and tended to my heart a little better, maybe even focused more on school than i already did, i think i would have been different. my "attachment" towards another heart would have been tamed, and i'm pretty sure most of the guys i had liked throughout high school would still be my friends.
but alas, that is not the case here. no happy endings with those young men. and i'm sorry about that. i too, wish i had my happy "friendings" with several guys i was close with. if you're reading this, and you've made it this far. . . you know who you are. i just want to say i'm sorry for a lot. for not treating you well, and messing around with your hearts. it wasn't fair. but i know you're hopefully doing better, and being happy. so carry on. read the rest of this. or don't. "the choice is yours" haha.
now that's out of the way. on to patience. man i thought i had that in the bag. i was totally wrong. seriously. i have learned so much being in utah. i've changed a lot. ask anyone who knew me beforehand, and then come talk to me now. you'll see changes. you'll hear them too. the way i present myself is much different. i'm more cautious about things, i'm wary about friendships. but one thing that hasn't changed is my ability to love. i love my family. i love my friends who've stood by me to this day. i love my missionary, who's patience has not faltered in Missouri. but most of all, i love my Savior. i don't even know what to say when it comes to my Heavenly Father. He has done countless, COUNTLESS things for me. and i've been blind. i have not taken advantage of my Spiritual relationship with Him. i've taken for granted the blessings He's bestowed upon me. and i know when i'm on my mission, i'll need Him more than ever. this is definitely not an easy process. preparing for a mission and getting my papers in was easy. too easy. and it was fun! but now that my mission call is expected to arrive any minute now. . . i'm scared. a mission is trying, hard, and full of rejection and trials. something i'm kind of used to, but not when it comes to my faith. and i know that i'll be tested throughout my 18 months of serving. nothing will be easy. but it will always be worth it.
as long as i focus on my mission and remember why i'm there, i know i'll be okay.